Gotta Dollar?

In our sessions we deal with many relationships that are strained because demands are placed on the other person. While sometimes intentionally, it is most often unintentionally that we put demands on our spouses, significant others, parents, children, bosses and coworkers. The demand is often viewed as an expectation, but when it begins to become more of a need or requirement that must be met, then we have to be honest with ourselves and call it for what it is; a demand. Now, I admit that these demands may be a reasonable request or expectation due to the nature of the relationship which makes it more hurtful to us when it is not met. It is not an unreasonable demand to want your spouse to share their deepest thoughts with you. It is not unreasonable to expect or demand a parent to show their affections to you and be there for you when you are hurting. It is not unreasonable to want a boss to recognize the efforts you put forth and vocalize it. So then, why doesn′t it or didn′t it happen?

What I am about to followup with is not intended to be an excuse, but what I am attempting to do is to provide you with another perspective into your strained relationships. The best way for me to start is with the analogy of asking someone for a dollar. If they don′t have a dollar, they can′t give you a dollar. We can reason with them and explain that we aren't asking for fifty dollars or a thousand dollars or even a million dollars; it is just a dollar. Everyone has a dollar on them, so can you give me a dollar? Truth be told, a request for a dollar is a reasonable request, but if there isn′t a dollar to give, it can′t be given. It might as well be a million dollars because either way it is not there to give. If there isn′t any money in their account it can′t even be pulled out using their ATM card; it just isn′t there. The same thing can be said with our requests and demands in our relationships. It is not there for the other person to give. They can′t give what they don′t have or never had. If they weren′t shown growing up, then they don′t know how. They may not even be aware that something is missing or wrong because to them it was their normal and they don′t know any different. Their intent is not to withhold and there isn′t a problem with you in wanting it to be different. They simply can′t give to you what they don′t have.

So then what do we do? Do we just accept that and move on in the relationship disappointed and keep missing out?

As I stated earlier, this is not an excuse for their behavior and for them not to change. But when we understand that this may not be intentional, we can take a different approach. We can now recognize and meet them where they are, just as Christ met us where we were in our sin.

We can let go of our offense and forgive them for not meeting are needs, no matter how reasonable they might be. Forgiveness brings a heart change in us that provides the grace needed to allow the other person to make the change. Love is not demanding and keeps no record of wrong. (1Co 13:4-7) We can come along side them to encourage and grow with them. Because it becomes a shared journey the relationship will strengthen through the process. You are learning and growing along side each other. Yes, the other person needs to recognize the need to change and must be willing to make the change, but keep in mind that we know a God that has a way of being very persuasive, yet very loving, so we must not lose hope. He can and does restore what was missing, lost or taken. He wants to do that for you.